Bleached
by alittlebitlate
Summary: "And with his white hair smudged gray, dripping head to toe in green tea, all his progress on his paperwork lost, Toshiro quietly swore he would murder his lieutenant one day."
1. Explosions

**A/N:** This is purely a humor fic with no plot to take my mind off some stressing deadlines. Will have inconsistent updates. May or may not contain coarse language, and this will center mostly around the seated officers, lieutenants, and captains of the Seireitei. This will probably take place after the Winter War.

* * *

**Chapter One: Explosions**

* * *

** -Tea Time**

Tenth Division Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro sighed as he pressed the Tenth Division's stamp into a black sea of ink for the umpteenth time, before stamping it on yet another piece of paper, signifying his approval for Captain Kurotsuchi's 'experiment', whatever it was. The report had consisted of detailed explanations of something that he had no clue over, but from what he managed to gleam, it wouldn't destroy Soul Society.

He supposed that was alright.

Massaging his temples, he placed it down in a large, steadily mounting pile of finished paperwork, and then reached for another page the top of an even bigger pile of unfinished paperwork

When he got his hands on that lieutenant of his...

Grumbling quietly to himself as the temperature around him dropped a few degrees, he took down the next page.

The phone rang.

He picked it up, and the voice of his bubbly lieutenant started talking.

_"Taicho! Th'nk god yer here! You - "_ she hiccuped, slurring over the words. _"Th'r's an em'rgency!" _

"Matsumoto," he practically growled. "Are you drunk?! Get back here and help me finish the paperwork! Geez, it's barely past noon!"

_"No, taichooo!" _she whined. _"T's really baad! Y'see, I accidently forgot m' tea cup a' th' office!"_

Toshiro looked over at the tea cup that he was using. It looked brand new, apart from a few scrapes and black smudges. "I think I'm using it. Anyway, what's the fuss about a tea cup! Get over here before I make you!"

_"Taicho! Ya d'n't und'rst'nd!" _Rangiku protested. _"Y'see, th' oth'r day I was pract'c'ng kido - " _

"How does this concern me?"

_"I w's pract'c'ng seal'ng kido! And I sealed - " _

BOOM.

Covered in soot, his white hair smudged gray and soaked to his toes in green tea, all his progress in paperwork lost and his office in ruins, Toshiro quietly swore he would murder his lieutenant brutally with cookies one day.

* * *

** -Sneeze**

"I w's pract'c'ng seal'ng kido! And I sealed - "

A loud explosion in the distance interrupted the busty lieutenant, and she looked up from the phone of the store manager that she was borrowing. Izuru, who was lying unconscious on the floor, didn't even twitch, but Hisagi was sober enough to look alarmed.

"'uh? Wh' was th't?" he slurred.

Rangiku sneezed, before wrapping her scarf more tightly over her shihakusho.

"Huh." she said. "M'ybe th' air condition'ng's too cold?"

* * *

** -Pink**

"Third Seat Madarame?"

Ikkaku, who was taking a short break from the daily sparring sessions/brawls in the Eleventh Division, removed the water bottle from his lips, his bokken slung across one shoulder, and looked over at the unseated shinigami who had recently been accepted into the Eleventh, after graduating from the Shin'o Academy.

"What is it?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Well..." the shinigami hesitated, but plowed on. "It seems that a lot of shinigami fear Lieutenant Kusajishi, but I've heard that you're at least lieutenant-level." he looked at his feet for a moment. "I mean, she's so childish that I can't take her seriously."

Ikkaku started laughing. "Well, yer really underestimatin' her. We ain't scared of her just cuz the captain's her foster father."

"Really?" the shinigami blinked. "What happened the first time you truly angered her?" he asked in true curiosity.

Ikkaku stopped laughing.

* * *

**-Cats**

In the morning, Soi Fon liked to sharpen her skills and practice her shunko, in hopes of one day being able to duel with her idol, Yoruichi-sama. Normally, she would go over to the large mountains that bordered North Rukongai near the lower districts, and train herself physically, such as one-armed push-ups on the tip of a 1,800 feet mountain.

After that, she would go work on her kido, hakuda and shunko relentlessly for the rest of the day, leaving all the paperwork for the Ommitsukido and the Second Division to her lieutenant. Maybe the fatass would finally work then.

Of course, before that though, her morning routine was quite simple.

She would wake up to her custom-made cat-shaped alarm clock, in which the alarm was Yoruichi-sama's yell of "Shunko!" that she had recorded in the folds of her uniform during their battle. She would get up from her cat-pattered futon, and brush her teeth with her custom-made cat-shaped toothbrush. She would take a quick shower, using the cleaning soaps of Yoruichi's scent, and those only, before drying herself with a Yoruichi towel (that she had made herself) and dressing herself in her captain's garb.

Of course, not before she made sure all her black cat plushies were in the right spots in her closet.

Wouldn't want a subordinate to find that.

* * *

**-Charge, my fluffy warriors**

"Whose idea was this again?" a disgruntled Renji crankily asked his captain, as he transported a crate of sheep, baying loudly and stinking just as much, to the Twelfth Division barracks.

"Captain Kurotsuchi's," Byakuya replied calmly as he helped in the transportation. "He wishes to see if the spiritual entities of certain...creatures are similar to their living counterparts, and how their spiritual energies work. He has indicated that it may be possible to teach several animals how to harness their spiritual energy and it may benefit the Gotei 13 greatly, with the increase of military strength of numbers."

Renji tried to picture a sheep in a shihakusho, waving a zanpakuto within its teeth as it charged at Aizen.

"I'm not quite sure that's a good idea..."

* * *

**-Alpaca Spit**

"These guys are so loud, and smelly," Renji complained, as they began transporting a horde of alpacas. Kurotsuchi had already started studying the earlier animals that they had brought maybe an hour ago, and it was tiring work, not to mention extremely boring.

And the _smell_.

Renji had lived in the lower districts of Rukongai, but still, the horrid smell of these animals bothered them so much to the point he wanted to bash his head against the Seireitei walls.

When Renji had voiced this to his captain, Byakuya had gazed at him cooly.

"Renji, whilst performing your duty, you must follow all instructions given. It is absolute. Even if the order seems petty, it could very much influence the Seireitei. For example, these animals could be taught how to wield spiritual power and augment our military power - "

An alpaca bayed and spat in his face.

* * *

**-Hordes**

"Ahhh...that was so fun ~ " Rangiku sang lightly, as she left Hisagi to carry an unconscious Izuru back to the Third Division barracks. She walked lightly across the streets, and though she still had a sake bottle with her, she was careful not to get too drunk. After all, her captain would probably harass her about paperwork the moment she got back to the office.

But it was so _boring_! She couldn't stand doing it, geez!

Before she could start ranting loudly to whoever was around to listen, though, she heard a weird, distinct, rumbling noise. It was approaching her.

Rangiku, despite slightly drunk, managed to avoid the horde of alpacas who streamed past her, running for dear life as pink sakura blossoms chased them with a fury behind them.

"Huh," she mumbled as she took a swig. "Must be a bad day for Captain Kuchiki."

* * *

**-Foam**

Hisagi sighed as he carefully lay Izuru across his bed, in the barracks. Geez, he didn't know his limits. The third seat of the division would have to take over for a while.

_Hmm...he isn't as bad as the time he was in a loincloth, _Hisagi tapped a finger to his chin, while trying to shove the disturbing memory out of his mind. _Maybe I can leave him to his division this time. _

Nodding, as he was busy with publishing the magazine as well as acting as the de facto captain and lieutenant at the same time, he was about to open the door to leave when the foam reached his feet.

And he swore loudly.

* * *

**-TRUE STORY [Ichigo]**

"So in the living world, when I was little, my mother would make me attend this church. During the summertime, they had this camp that she always made me participate in - don't ask me why, I wasn't the tiniest bit religious as I could see ghosts, but I went anyway to please her. Anyway, there was this supervisor who was really old - for a human, I mean. She was like ninety years old - _it's pretty darned old for a human, Renji_. So even though she was so old, she drove a car. On the last day of the camp, they were handing out prizes, and a girl who got Kindest got this huge, see-through bag of Barbies. I swear. So she was all happy, and showing it to her parents, and then the old supervisor walked by and asked her, 'What are you doing with those bag of carrots?' True story."

* * *

**A/N: **That last part really happened to my English teacher XD Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this first chapter! Review, and tell me what you thought of it!

-alittlebitlate


	2. Meetings

**A/N:** So happy of all this feedback (cough three reviews) even though this is possibly pure crack. Like seriously. So crack-y that it's not even cocaine.

That was a bad joke.

* * *

**Chapter Two: Meetings**

* * *

**-Ringtones**

The Noble House of the Kuchiki was a surprisingly lenient one during family meetings. Due to the grandeur of the noble house, most Kuchikis needed to sit in rows, similar to a church pattern in the living world, while the elders at the front, or maybe the head of the clan, Kuchiki Byakuya, addressed a matter.

If the Soul Pager of one of the nobles rang, they were allowed to quietly excuse themselves and make their way out of the large room, and answer the call. Once the call was finished, they were allowed to silently reenter the room and continue listening to the meeting.

However, they are strict in oddities.

"Hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi - OOH WAIT IS THAT A COOKIE PINBALL GIVE ME THAT COOKIE I WANT THAT COOKIE PINBALL GIVE IT TO ME - hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi hey Byakushi Byakushi Byakushi - "

Byakuya, with a twitch in his eye slowly developing despite his usually stoic portrayal, and his adoptive sister staring at him with a mixture of horror and shock, he made a mental note to _never _forget his Soul Pager near the Eleventh Division barracks again.

_Ever_.

* * *

**-Pudding**

"Matsumoto!" the scathing voice of the child prodigy met the busty lieutenant's ears the moment she entered the office. "Where have you been?!"

"Captaiiiiiiiiin!" Rangiku yelled, flailing her hands around in the air in frustration. "That's the ninth time a guy's dumped me this month!"

Toshiro sweatdropped as his lieutenant seated herself on the couch in the room, her hands crossed and pouting like a child, while she ranted about how much she hated men.

"Geez! What's their problem?! I mess up one little _teensy _thing! And they dump me! Humph! They're so picky!" Rangiku crossed her arms in front of her well-endowed chest. "Men are so weird!"

"I don't want to hear that from you," Toshiro objected, rubbing his brow and accidently smearing it black with ink. He grumbled in slight frustration as he tried to wipe it off, as the black contrasted starkly from his white eyebrow. "In fact, women are probably even more weird."

"Captain!" the door to the office flung open, revealing his seventh seat, Takezoe Kokichiro. His bushy eyebrows were knit together in alarm, and he seemed out of breath and sweaty, as if he had performed flash step as fast as he could toward the office. He kneeled down. "I apologize for the informal entrance! However, Lieutenant Kira Izuru has been found naked and covered in pudding, unconscious near the barracks!"

Toshiro blinked slowly, processing what he just heard. He turned to his lieutenant.

"I take that back," Toshiro mumbled.

* * *

**-Freedom...or not**

In the office of the Sixth Division, a certain tattooed lieutenant was scribbling as fast as he could with an ink brush on piles of paperwork. Outside, chaos reigned over the barracks, while Shirogane Mihane, their ninth seat, called out orders.

"The Ambassador Seaweed poster is crooked! _Go fix it_!"

"Have the floors been waxed?!"

"Where did the vending machine go!?"

_"Since when do we have a vending machine?!" _

"Renji-san..." Rikichi blinked at the flurry of black that were the shinigami rushing back and forth. "Captain Kuchiki's at a clan meeting, right? Shouldn't this be an opportunity to relax?"

Renji flung the sheet of paperwork at the steadily growing pile. "He gives us tasks," was his brisk reply, as he grabbed another sheet.

Under his breath, he murmured, "And reinforces it with Senbonzakura."

* * *

**-Shrinking**

"You can play with that, Goro," Komamura Sajin handed over the dirty, ripped, and bloodied haori and shihakusho to his dog, who was a husky mix that looked remarkably similar to his owner.

Goro barked loudly in assent. Komamura had just recently got another, newer haori and shihakusho (custom-made to accommodate his grandeur), and his pet loved playing with fabrics, so he gently draped them over the ground, and the dog pounced into the pile of clothing quickly, with a high-pitched yap of excitement.

"I need to do some work, so I'll be at the office," he informed his dog, who was still happily playing in the barracks. He quickly left.

"Captain!" The Seventh Division's eighth seat, Kotsubaki Miwaka, burst in the room a few moments after he left. "We have an iss - "

She stared down at the dog, barely reaching her knee, covered in her captain's shihakusho and haori.

"ue..." she finished lamely.

_"Holy Soul King Captain Komamura shrunk!" _she screamed.

* * *

**-Well, look at that**

Miwaka ran through the barracks of the Seventh Division, panting for breath but keeping up her pace as she arrived at the office. She flung open the door, ready to report to her lieutenant that their captain had shrunk.

Her eyes fell on the large wolf soul in the room. "_Captain Komamura_!" she addressed to him, gasping for breath. "Captain Komamura shrunk!"

She whipped around, about to lead the way, when she turned back. "Wait..."

Her captain stared at her with a blank look on his face.

"..."

* * *

**-Oh, shi - **

"Go go go!" Rikichi yelled at their thirteenth seat, pumping his fist and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. "Make the home run! Go straight through third base!"

He had been relieved when all the work in the Sixth Division had been finished, and finally they could play kickball again. It was a nice change from the previous, worried atmosphere.

He groaned lightly as their fourth seat used shunpo to rapidly snatch the ball that was kicked and touched their thirteenth seat again. "Bad luck," he mumbled.

The next batter was Renji, who was looking confident as he marched up to home base. "Renji-san!" Rikichi called. "We're losing, so try making a home run!"

"I know!" Renji called back, before grinning at the Sixth Division's eighth seat, who was the one rolling the ball. "Dude, you're going _down_."

"We'll see about that," the eighth seat replied, a spark of lighthearted rivalry between them.

Rikichi held his breath as he flung the ball toward Renji, who narrowed his eyes, positioned himself, and red reiatsu crackled in the air around him.

He kicked the ball straight-on with his right leg, flinging it far to the left. Rikichi's eyes widened. "Renji-san! Go!" it was still soaring, though going lower. This was definitely a home run. As expected of a lieutenant.

As Renji sprinted from home to first base to second and third, the kickball seemed to be nearing the ground. When Rikichi noticed something.

"Renji-san!" he called, making the lieutenant's head swivel toward him as he sprinted to home base. He hesitated, before pointing in the direction the kickball went.

Renji, confused, looked over to where the kickball was going, and his eyes widened in surprise and terror.

And the kickball slammed itself straight in the face of an approaching Kuchiki Byakuya.

* * *

**-'Cleaning' **

Hitsugaya Toshiro grumbled as he, yet again, worked alone on paperwork. His lieutenant had assured him that she was going to take care of Lieutenant Kira and ask him exactly _why _he was in his division barracks, in a loincloth, and covered in pudding, and after that she was going to send him back to the Third Division.

At least she had a valid reason this time. Still, Toshiro didn't like the fact that she managed to squirm out of paperwork so easily.

He took a pause, and stretched his back, before massaging the cramp out of his writing hand. There was a knock on his door as he worked the cramp through his arm, and he let it drop, looking at the office door. "Come in," was his neutral call.

His fourth seat entered. "Reporting in; third seat Iemura of the Fourth Division has brought an advanced relief squad and is looking over Lieutenant Kira. He seems to be intoxicated, but that is all."

"Wait," the air around him dropped a few degrees. "Iemura? What about Matsumoto?"

His fourth seat looked equally surprised. "She said she was going carousing..."

Frost started forming around the edges in the room, and his fourth seat shivered.

_"MATSUMOTO!"_

* * *

**-Sparkly Pink Petals**

Matsumoto Rangiku sneezed as she downed another shot.

She scratched the back of her head. "Itt'ssh not 'ven cold 'ere.." she slurred slightly over her words. Weee...the world was spinning. Wait, why had she sneezed.

She looked outside through the see-through glass doors. "Mmm...th' doors ain't op'n..." she mumbled, swaying slightly. She decided that the ground was spinning too much, so she helped it out by sitting on it and keeping it still. "Ahh...b'ttr.."

She suddenly heard a commotion outside. She looked over, catching a glimpse of spiky, red hair, before a Soren Sokatsui went after it followed by a stream of sakura cherry blossoms.

Rangiku reached for another shot. "Th's s'ms kinda fam'liar..." she said, closing her fist several times before grabbing a shot. She downed it in one quick gulp. "Th' alpacas l'ft so qu'ckly?"

* * *

**-Babies**

"Mayurin! I'm boooooored!"

Kurotsuchi Mayuri scowled as he stood up straight from behind over a clutter of test tubes. On an operating table, he was operating on a hollow that they had captured live. The irritating girl had been sent to his division for 'babysitting' after that Ukitake had gotten a chill. He had told her to stay still and not to move a muscle, but the stupid lieutenant seemed not to understand words, and she had even somehow broken into the operating room.

He turned around, his scowl deepening. "Then _leave_, inferior child," he almost spat.

"Mayurin's so stupid! I wanna _stay_!"

A tick vein popped in his forehead, and briefly he considered modifying her so she could no longer speak or move, but he quickly scrapped the idea. He wouldn't want that Kenpachi brute come crashing in his lab, destroying all his scientific equipment.

"Ne, Mayurin! Tell me something!" the girl called.

He glared at her, before asking irritably. "_What _is it? Can't you see I'm busy here?"

"How are babies made?"

* * *

**-Babies (2)**

"...and that's how babies are made," Ikkaku's small superior concluded, finishing the most descriptive and detailed explanation of reproduction Ikkaku had ever heard. The men behind him were sporting either shocked, surprised, horrified or disgusted looks on their faces.

"And you wanna know how the babies are fed? Apparently they have no teeth! So they can't eat any solid - "

Ikkaku palmed his hand to his face, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths.

"Lieutenant Kusajishi," he said slowly. "Who...exactly, told you this?"

"Huh?" Yachiru blinked. "Oh! Mayurin did! He said that I was lucky I was being taught this by a superior mind - ooh! I'm gonna go tell Snowy!" without further ado, she shot off in a blur of pink.

Yumichika and Ikkaku locked eyes, and they silently agreed on something.

"Otonara, Narisa," he called his sixth and eighth seats. "Get the bazooka, we're going to the Twelfth Division."

* * *

**-TRUE STORY [Rukia]**

"During my first trip to the real world with my classmates, while I was still in the Shin'o Academy, we went to fight a group of hollows. However, our spiritual pressure attracted even more hollows, and soon enough there was a large scale battle, and it was the first real battle I'd ever fought in. The three sixth-years that were supervising us had to release their shikai to defeat all of the hollows. Once we were done, everyone was clustered in a huge group, while one of the sixth years asked us to tell him the injuries to see if we needed help from the Fourth Division. People around me called out 'Broken arm!' and 'Dislocated shoulder!' and other unrealistic large-scale injuries, even though I saw nothing wrong with them, and I figured that we were intentionally doing that so we could get healed sooner, so I called out 'Broken fetus!' True story."

* * *

**A/N: **Please give me requests, this chapter was pretty lame and very similar to the first chapter and I'm losing ideas. Unft. Review!

-alittlebitlate


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